Does it make any sense how I am laying here in my bed tonight, thinking of you, missing you, a tear falling for you. Why do I still love you, thought that this feeling was tucked deep within my heart. Why all of a sudden is this feeling emerging after I stifled the pain? Maybe, because I am feeling a sense of loneliness, how good does it feel when someone truly cares about you, and kisses you goodnight. That feeling is the best in the world. I see some of my friends with boyfriends, and I wonder what am I doing wrong why can't I have that. Is it because, my heart is still a bit hurt, and trying to heal? Does God really have a plan for me, and will I fall in love again? Some say it wasn't love, I was too young, but I know that I loved him, and now I have lost him forever. I can forgive but can never forget. I just pray that maybe someone special comes along and can understand who I am, and love me for me.

I can't believe that this is my last week of school, feels like the school year just started, even though, it's not really ending for me. Seeing that I will be taking five summer classes. It will be worth the time and effort so that graduation next May is possible. I am excited to spend the summer here, but a little nervous. I really miss home right now, but I know that I have to suck it up and just let everything fall in to place. Who knows what could happen here in Tampa!

A few days ago was the first time in a very long time that I was open with my Dad about a piece of my past. We were talking on the phone, and he brought up the NFL Draft, and how my friend got drafted. He asked if I thought my ex boyfriend would get drafted. I told him that he should if he stays away from alcohol, drugs, and girls, and gets focused about his life. This lead into a deeper conversation hinting to why I moved from Utah to Florida. I had to escape a lifestyle that was taking me down the wrong path. I opened up and told my Dad that, my ex had asked me to marry him this summer. I told him, that for awhile I was so happy, but then I reflected back on my life, and I would never have the life I wanted if I stayed again. For once I felt like my Dad could understand my heartbreak, and a piece of what I expereinced. I think it was shocking to him to find out, the things that used to go on in my life that no longer do. It was a good connection, I feel like he understands a piece of me now that was missing for a long time.

My friend died tonight. I don't know what to say. I have been preparing myself the last couple of weeks for today. I know that he is in a better place now, and the pain is over. It is frusterating, I question why him, I can't though, I am trying to beleive that God has a plan. I am exhausted and will be praying for a long time tonight. Make sure that the people in your life that mean something to you know it, because you never know what God has planned. Goodnight.

My grandma called me tonight, for our daily chat. She takes my little cousins to school every Thursday and Friday morning. Today she went to the house to take them. The youngest, Trevor, age 8, is extremely intelligent for his age. He loves school, he is always reading. For Christmas we had to put a world map up in his room. This morning he told my grandma that he didn't want to go to school. The other day the teacher was having a discussion about global warming with the students. Trevor, voiced his opinion that he wasn't so sure that global warming really is occurring. Instead of accepting his opinion. She decided to make a smart remark saying, "Of course Trevor doesn't think there is global warming." Now from the one comment she made, all of the other kids say, "of course Trevor doesn't have to,because he is a genius." This really has been bothering him, he told my grandma that he doesn't want to go to school tomorrow. I am so sad for him, this teacher has a huge influence on a seven year old. The kid who once loved school, is terrified of going. So frustrating for me to hear.

What a rainy day, on top of it, its Sunday, and I miss home. I don't know if I really miss home, I feel that something is missing here. I have not had the best week, but I'm trying not to dwell on it, things could be a lot worse. Sure this is the hardest I've ever worked in school, and my grades don't reflect it,so frusterating to me. I have a sense of loneliness lately, that I keep trying to disect why I feel this way. I feel down. I know that I shouldn't, in the big scheme of things, life is pretty good. I wish that I wouldn't have to fake a smile right now to the world and instead lay down and cry. I refuse to let myself do that though. I found out yesterday that my grandparents are coming to stay with me for a week, starting May 7. I am so happy that they will be here its a sense of releif. I don't have a lot to say this week. I feel that all my feelings are tucked so deep within me that if I bring them out, things could only get worse.

Today I had a rewarding experience within my Digital Arts class. I have been working on a project within illustrator, which has taken me a monumental amount of hours. The piece is similar to the type of art you may see in a Geico commercial with a bit of a twist. At the beginning of the semester, I struggled with understanding the concepts of working with a MAC, it can be extremely tricky at times. I presented my final project to the class. The critque was very positive, I received a lot of feedback. Many of the students commented to on how they loved my piece, and the meaning that it held. I have had a rough week, this really gave me a boost of confidence. I will be posting the piece next week at some point check it out, and let me know what you think.