Does it make any sense how I am laying here in my bed tonight, thinking of you, missing you, a tear falling for you. Why do I still love you, thought that this feeling was tucked deep within my heart. Why all of a sudden is this feeling emerging after I stifled the pain? Maybe, because I am feeling a sense of loneliness, how good does it feel when someone truly cares about you, and kisses you goodnight. That feeling is the best in the world. I see some of my friends with boyfriends, and I wonder what am I doing wrong why can't I have that. Is it because, my heart is still a bit hurt, and trying to heal? Does God really have a plan for me, and will I fall in love again? Some say it wasn't love, I was too young, but I know that I loved him, and now I have lost him forever. I can forgive but can never forget. I just pray that maybe someone special comes along and can understand who I am, and love me for me.

I can't believe that this is my last week of school, feels like the school year just started, even though, it's not really ending for me. Seeing that I will be taking five summer classes. It will be worth the time and effort so that graduation next May is possible. I am excited to spend the summer here, but a little nervous. I really miss home right now, but I know that I have to suck it up and just let everything fall in to place. Who knows what could happen here in Tampa!

A few days ago was the first time in a very long time that I was open with my Dad about a piece of my past. We were talking on the phone, and he brought up the NFL Draft, and how my friend got drafted. He asked if I thought my ex boyfriend would get drafted. I told him that he should if he stays away from alcohol, drugs, and girls, and gets focused about his life. This lead into a deeper conversation hinting to why I moved from Utah to Florida. I had to escape a lifestyle that was taking me down the wrong path. I opened up and told my Dad that, my ex had asked me to marry him this summer. I told him, that for awhile I was so happy, but then I reflected back on my life, and I would never have the life I wanted if I stayed again. For once I felt like my Dad could understand my heartbreak, and a piece of what I expereinced. I think it was shocking to him to find out, the things that used to go on in my life that no longer do. It was a good connection, I feel like he understands a piece of me now that was missing for a long time.

My friend died tonight. I don't know what to say. I have been preparing myself the last couple of weeks for today. I know that he is in a better place now, and the pain is over. It is frusterating, I question why him, I can't though, I am trying to beleive that God has a plan. I am exhausted and will be praying for a long time tonight. Make sure that the people in your life that mean something to you know it, because you never know what God has planned. Goodnight.

My grandma called me tonight, for our daily chat. She takes my little cousins to school every Thursday and Friday morning. Today she went to the house to take them. The youngest, Trevor, age 8, is extremely intelligent for his age. He loves school, he is always reading. For Christmas we had to put a world map up in his room. This morning he told my grandma that he didn't want to go to school. The other day the teacher was having a discussion about global warming with the students. Trevor, voiced his opinion that he wasn't so sure that global warming really is occurring. Instead of accepting his opinion. She decided to make a smart remark saying, "Of course Trevor doesn't think there is global warming." Now from the one comment she made, all of the other kids say, "of course Trevor doesn't have to,because he is a genius." This really has been bothering him, he told my grandma that he doesn't want to go to school tomorrow. I am so sad for him, this teacher has a huge influence on a seven year old. The kid who once loved school, is terrified of going. So frustrating for me to hear.

What a rainy day, on top of it, its Sunday, and I miss home. I don't know if I really miss home, I feel that something is missing here. I have not had the best week, but I'm trying not to dwell on it, things could be a lot worse. Sure this is the hardest I've ever worked in school, and my grades don't reflect it,so frusterating to me. I have a sense of loneliness lately, that I keep trying to disect why I feel this way. I feel down. I know that I shouldn't, in the big scheme of things, life is pretty good. I wish that I wouldn't have to fake a smile right now to the world and instead lay down and cry. I refuse to let myself do that though. I found out yesterday that my grandparents are coming to stay with me for a week, starting May 7. I am so happy that they will be here its a sense of releif. I don't have a lot to say this week. I feel that all my feelings are tucked so deep within me that if I bring them out, things could only get worse.

Today I had a rewarding experience within my Digital Arts class. I have been working on a project within illustrator, which has taken me a monumental amount of hours. The piece is similar to the type of art you may see in a Geico commercial with a bit of a twist. At the beginning of the semester, I struggled with understanding the concepts of working with a MAC, it can be extremely tricky at times. I presented my final project to the class. The critque was very positive, I received a lot of feedback. Many of the students commented to on how they loved my piece, and the meaning that it held. I have had a rough week, this really gave me a boost of confidence. I will be posting the piece next week at some point check it out, and let me know what you think.

Butler played Duke the other night in the NCAA National Championship. I was watching ESPN before the game tipped off, one of the commentators was making outrageous comments of how if Butler won, it would be a disgrace to NCAA Division I Basketball. I sat there and laughed. His reasoning was, because they were a mid major school, with no name players. I sat there and listened at how obnoxious he sounded. He has absolutely no idea how stupid his comments were. I was so proud of a school like Butler to make it that far, especially for a mid major school. Their program is obviously built on a solid foundation and not on millions of dollars spent on top national recruits. The match up recognized the point, that any team can win any given night. It doesn't matter what conference you are in, or weather you are major or mid major DI. It doesn't matter what the name on your jersey says, sure you can have a legacy, but if you work hard as Butler has, the possibilities are endless.

Have you ever had a panic attack. Has it ever been caused by another horrible person in this world? That is how I felt yesterday when I went to speak to a professor about how disrespectful one of my current teachers is to me. First off I do not have time to waste sitting in someone's office to discuss this. It is not one of my top priorities, but when I have anxiety about going to a class, that is not okay. While I was explaining my examples to him of disrespect, he blatantly told me that they were not valid, after another teacher had validated them, and told me to speak up about it. I did, and do you know what he said to me, " You think she just is disrespectful, because you are blonde!" WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING! I went into him on a basis of respect, and he threw disrespect right back in my face. It amazed me when I went to the gym after the meeting with him, and one of my classmates came up and told me that she didn't blame me for not coming to class, because of how the teacher treats me. She understood that I didn't want to deal with it. As you can tell I am very frustrated, but I will leave it at that. There are a lot of terrible people in this world. Lesson learned that I will never treat someone in the same disrespectful way that I have been treated.

Homesick today. It is Easter Sunday, I can envision my entire family sitting on the front porch drinking wince and chatting, while the little ones play in the yard. It is finally warming up at home and, you can begin to smell Spring. It hit me that I really do miss the clan, when I was sitting in the Cafe all alone eating a chicken salad sandwich for dinner. Doesn't really compare to the prime rib they would sit and feast upon. I wish I could have flown back, but my work is so important right now, i can not jeopardize that. I will be seeing them soon,I hope. Missing them all so very much.

I can not stand text messaging. I recently started talking to this guy, but all we do is text, how lame? It is hilarious when I'm basically disecting each text, to see what he means by his lol comment. I mean seriously this is ridiculous. Why doesn't he just ask me to hang out face to face, to get to know me. I am over trying to decifer a text. Hopefully this week, he can step his game up.

Life Changes

I just found out my friend has four weeks to live. He is 22 years old. We met when I played basketball in Utah. He was a healthy young guy two years ago, until one day he had a seizure and they discovered a brain tumor. He was just told he can have another surgery to live maybe another two months. He has given up hope, and said no. He has four weeks left to live his life. I can barely type this right now, but I am in shock. I can not even begin to explain how horrible of a feeling this is, knowing that he will be gone before my semester ends. I can't even begin to think about my own problems right now, nothing even compares. I can't type anymore, because tears are starting to hit the keyboard.

Can't sleep. Heart beating out of my chest. Butterflies in my stomach. I haven't had this feeling in months. I must say it feels good to have a little crush on someone, maybe two. I feel like I have been trapped so long in worn out feelings. Feelings that have been holding me back to realize that there are so many great people out there. I have learned that patience is a virtue, and that everything really does happen for a reason, you just have to believe that. I have learned to tuck my past and my pain deep inside of me, yes a piece of my heart is missing, but at the same time that piece has helped me grow as a person.

Thursday night in class, I watched the most disturbing PSA dealing with sex trafficking. It really bothered me. I could barely watch it. My teacher went around and asked what we thought about it. I started tearing up, because it instantly brought back nightmares. It was a horrible feeling, I almost left the class for the night. My teacher saw nothing wrong with showing something so horrifying. Its almost as if she stared at me and asked my opinion about it, as she saw the hurt and pain in my eyes, but just wanting me to break. I felt as if she was happy she broke me down. It was a terrible feeling. I have been having flashbacks the past couple of days, and am afraid of being alone. I am going to beat the fear still locked in my head.

Count Your Blessings

Today I was delivering pocket schedules around the city for the Yankees,and I got out of my car by one of the stops, and there was this homeless woman, in completely ripped pants, and soleless shoes. The sight of this made me just stop and stare, I know rude. I was just shocked, and hurt for her. How does she make it? I am sitting here stressing how I am going to pay for school, while she can't even pay for her next meal. Everyday I run about 5-8 miles and yesterday while running, I ran by two homless men, and when I went out last night around eleven, the two same men were sitting in the same exact place. Once again, I kinda just zoned out for a minute, and thanked god that I am as fortunate as I am. Anyone that reads this, count your blessings!

Morals

Morals. Does anyone have any today in society? Today my friend comes up to me, and says "Guess What?" I knew right away she had done something stupid. She told me that she slept with this boy, I had originally thought was cute. In my own head, I was like why are you telling me this? It was almost as if she was proud that she just got used. Was she really that stupid not to realize this. How can you be satisfied with , after doing something so low. I wasn't mad at her for stealing my crush, I was happy to know that I would never waste my time on someone that would use another like that. Disappointing, but saved me time.

Grandpa

Spoke to my grandfather today! Normally when I call he hands the phone right to grandma, not really saying to much. He will ask if everything is okay, or if anything is needed, the conversation never really goes into too much depth. He is very protective of me. He is a very busy man, almost 70 years old, but is still running his own business, while managing many properties that he owns throughout Milwaukee.An extremely successful man within the city. Sometimes I think he only feels he can show his love through money. It makes me sad. I always tell him that I don't need anything, just to talk to him. Well today we did. I told him all about my internship, and the new condo,and how I want him to come down with mom and grandma. I love him very much, and it made my day today when we talked for fifteen minutes!

ChAnGeS

It its official I am staying here in Tampa for the summer, excited but a little nervous. This will be my first summer away from home. Spoke to my grandmother last night for a long time about it. She reassured me that this is a great opportunity and the right thing to do. She is going to come down with my mom and auntie in the next couple of weeks to move into a condo that I will be sharing with two other girls. My mom says that everything is falling into place. I feel the same way for a minute, and then the next minute or hour wondering if it really is? I keep telling myself to just roll with it. I only have control over so much. I feel better now that I talked to my family, and they assured me they would be down many times. I just hope this all works out!

Choices

I spoke to my best friend today, out in Utah. We played basketball together. Talking to her made me realize that I made the right decision to move on with my life, in a different direction than basketball. She told me how much she hates playing and how she can't stand it anymore. She is depressed and feels like her life is falling apart, all based on a game. I felt so sorry for her. At the same time it made me appreciate my life right now and the decision that I made, to move forward with different aspects of my life other than basketball.

Spring Break Cruise!

Spring Break was amazing. I went to Labadee Haiti, Cozumel Mexico, Cayman Islands, and Jamaica. Spending 10 days with my family was really enjoyable. We had a lot of fun together. My favorite destination was Haiti. It was beautiful, set in luscious green mountains, with bright blue water. The cruise ship that we went on was the Royal Carribean Freedom of the Seas. The ship had everything from an ice skating rink to a jogging track. The ship was magnificent, holding 4,000passengers. No it is back to reality, getting settled back in at school, and my everyday rountine. Hoping to start internship this week, very excited!

First Day at B & G

Today was my first day at The Boys and Girls Club. I worked with four fourth grade girls. They felt so much older than fourth graders when they talked to me. They were very open about everything. I was so surprised about some of the things they talked about. For instance their life in the projects. I felt so sad for them. I could tell they were yearning for someone to talk to, someone to care. It hurt my heart when they told me that they had to eat there at the club, because their mom or dad didn't pack them a lunch. The club not only fed them, but picked them up from school, and dropped them off at home every night at 6. I want to help these girls so much. I feel like me just being there made a difference.

Day by Day

Completely confused. worried. scared. nervous.stressed. This is how I feel all wrapped into one package. There is about two months of school left, and I still have not figured out what internship to take, what summer classes to take, if I want to go home... I just don't know. I met with my advisor today and found out that I need 55 credits to graduate. So basically I will have to do an extra semester of school somewhere along the line if I want to keep my sport management minor. If I don't keep it I can graduate on time next May. I feel like I should stick with my plan I made originally by getting my minor. Its so frustrating, because money does not grow on trees. I am trying to get off my parents payments, and take care of myself. I am finding that to be very difficult. They are more than happy to help me, but for my own self I want to be able to do it. I am a little nervous to stay for the summer, because there are a lot of unknowns.. I have lived in four different cities and three different states the past three years, but I always went home for summer break. Part of me wants to stay, but part of me wants to be near my family, especially my grandmother. I guess I will just have to live one day at a time. Everything will work itself out. I keep telling myself that.

My weekend has started off pretty well! I had an interview yesterday for a summer internship at ISP spots network. I felt that it went very well. I am anxious and excited to find out if I got the position. If I get the position it could open up many doors for me, which is very exciting. There may have to be a few changes made to my life, as in not going home for the summer, getting an apartment, finding a new side job. It all is a little stressful, but definitely worth the opportunity! This should be a good week of school coming up, last week before spring break. I'm excited to see my family for the break, we are going on a cruise for seven days for my parents 25th Wedding Anniversary. I'm hoping the trip will create many fun memories, I wish my grandparents were coming, but it should still be an amazing trip... That's it for now, I actually get to go out tonight, since I don't have mounds of homework, and work! I'm excited!!!!!!!!

Lucky

Today I made my final contribution to my tuition payment 5,000 dollars. That was rough to see the money disappear after hours of work.. Now I'm on a mission to earn it all back. I know it will be hard but I have to do it again. I'm setting a goal for myself to not buy unnecessary things such as clothes, and shoes. I need to appreciate what I have right now. I am very lucky. I keep reminding myself how lucky I am. Life can be a lot more difficult than I have it. LUCKY GIRL !

My Sanctuary

Today was the first time I have touched a ball seriously in about 5 months. It was just me and the gym. My own sanctuary. It brings out the feelings of who I really am, when It is just me the gym, and my basketball. I could spend hours in the gym. It makes me feel relaxed. I can think about life. I can reflect on everything. It is the best feeling in the world. When I walk out of that gym after hours of sweat and hard work, I feel a sense of accomplishment, and self worth, that no one else can feel but me. I plan on sneaking away to the gym a little bit more often, and letting part of my old life seep back in to the person that I am becoming day by day.

Tom Igoe Lecture Response

Kristin McComas

Lecture Response

February 20, 2010

Tom Igoe Lecture Response

The lecture presented by Tom Igoe was very interesting, yet extremely confusing. The topics he spoke about seemed as if they were from another planet. I definitely learned some interesting information though. Tom Igoe teaches at ITP Tisch School of the Arts, which is a school that is part of NYU. Along with teaching, he has a background in theater. I found this very unique that different aspect of art makes up his life. He is best known for his book titled, Physical Computing. The books focus is on expanding human expression through use of digital media. He teaches a class that specifically focuses on how networks meet the physical world. The name of the company that he works for is Ardruino

In the lecture Mr. Igoe mentioned how he works with many different people. Many of the people had very unique ideas, and inventions that seemed unrealistic to me, yet realistic in their eyes. Leah Buechley, of MIT, makes sensual things to touch. Mr. Igoe works in collaboration with her. She recently created the “Lilly Pad” for Ardruino. She also works with interactive walls, so that when people touch the wall it would send impulses of the touch to the computer. Hannah Perner- Wilson, created bracelets that work in connection with the stereo on your computer. The most unusual person that he is associated with is, Tom Aerhardt. He borrows behaviors from the natural world. He created a candle that connected to the wall and made a flicker. He also used mud as a mouse for computers, very unusual.

Mr. Igoe spoke of partial layers of openness. There are many aspects to this topic. Some of these topics include physical construction, bill of materials, extendability, reprogrammability, programming interface, communication protocol, interoperability, aesthetic guidelines, interaction guidelines, and warranty.

As I mentioned earlier, I found this lecture very interesting, yet bazaar. The information was something I probably never would have learned about if it weren’t for this lecture. I found all the different inventions he spoke about very creative and unique. Each of the inventions had specific duties you don’t see regularly.

ReSpEcT

I went to bed last night, and woke up this morning with the same feeling. I miss Utah so much. I miss waking up to the mountains in my back yard. I miss the seclusion of the place. I miss the people who can actually walk by and say hello. I miss the non materialistic lifestyle that consumes the people here at Tampa. I can't stand it. I know its not everyone here, but a large majority. Last night I was standing outside my dorm, knocking on the door. There were two girls sitting there about three feet from the door, and they wouldn't look at me or move to open it. I was so frustrated I wanted to cry, about my entire experience here. I miss my friends so much. Some days I am depressed, and upset about how I ended up here.I tell myself that everything happens for a reason. I try to remind myself of why I transferred here, and why I moved my life half way across the country, because of what happened to me just one night under the dark skyline of salt lake city. This isn't a bad place by all means academically this is the best experience I have ever had! Socially I feel alone. I have a lot of friends here, but some days it just doesn't feel real here. I was so mad when those girls didn't open the door for me I called my mom and told her how upset it made me that people can be so rude. I don't care how much money you have, where you are from, or what color your skin is. No matter what everyone deserves respect. You won't get very far in life, if you can't even look at the person standing next to you in the elevator.

Dinner

Tonight at dinner my parents adn I had an interesting conversation. I told them how I just don't feel like myself, I am in a little funk, a crossroads in my life. I am a junior in college dealing with a huge amount of stress, yet trying to still have fun, and get everything finished. Its pretty hard. I have given up my social life to complete 18 credits, work two jobs, volunteer, and train for a half marathon. Your probably like this girl is crazy! Yes I think that too myslef when I lay down exhausted every night. UT is my third school, the best school that I have been at academically, but socially this place is the worst experience I have ever had. I feel like I don't fit in for the first time in awhile. I don't know how to explain it, but Tampa is much different. The people are very different. Part of me wants to be done with college, but the other part of me is waiting for it to get better. I use to hear people say that college is the best years of your life.HA! I would have to say the hardest years at this point. My Dad told me tonight at dinner that right now is the time I am creating the best years of my life with hard work. He told me that right now it may be hard, for me but it will only be hard if I give up. I am not giving up! I just am in a little drought within my ownself. I know in time things will maybe seem better, but I will just keep working hard, because you never know what can happen tom. I fly back tom to start another week. I'm telling myself right now that it is going to be a good week! i hope.......................

Home Sweet Home

Home Sweet Home. I just got off the plane, about an hour ago for my quick weekend trip home to Milwaukee. I was only back at school for four weeks, and those four weeks, a lot of new beginnings occurred. I talked to my Mom a lot, and my Grandma and realized I just needed to take a breath and leave Tampa behind for the weekend. I missed my Grandma a ton even though it was only four weeks. right when I got home I ran across the street, and gave her a big hug, she had been waiting up for me. My grandma is my best friend. Since I was a little girl I have always been extremely close with her. I always tell her she is going to be my maid of honor in my wedding. I have tons of girlfriends that I consider my best friends, but my grandma is the one person in my life, I can count on to be there for me no matter what. She is my shoulder to cry on, my escape from reality many times, and the one that I can have so much fun with. I love her to death. She is the one thing that keeps me coming back to Milwaukee, when time and time again I say that I'm not coming back to this place. I am very close with my parents as well. Me and my Mom are a lot alike. She is very hardworking and determined. Tonight when I walked in the house I had a feeling. I always have a feeling or this same rush of thoughts that come in my head when I come home. I look at the gorgeous house my parents provide. It amazes me, neither of them went to college, they both just worked there way up to achieve success. It scares me to think about the future sometimes. I feel that If I am not able to provide the tyoe of lifestyle they have given me for my children, that I am a failure. Scary. It is good to see my Dad when I get home, well kind of see him... He was asleep, seeing that he gets of at 3 30 everyday to go to work. I admire him so much for this. He works long days sometimes 15 hours its insane. His job is extremely stressful, and its frusterating and hurtful to me how he deals with the stress sometimes, making me never want to come back to this place. I am learning though to separate myself from his problems and my life. I learn to love him for the father he is to me. I love him so much, he does everything he possible can for me and my brother. I just wish that I could open up to him and tell him how I feel, but I can't. maybe someday God will give me the strength to do that. But for now I am going to enjoy the weekend here in the freezing cold, and enjoy time with the family. I hope my brother comes home from school so I can see him !

Today was an amazing day. Lately, I have been thinking about why I gave up playing basketball at the D1 college level. I was going to school for free and gave it all up! I became frustrated with these thoughts when I realized how many hours I have been working. I would told myself to wake up, I wasn't truly happy when I was in the spotlight playing. Today I realized that I haven't really given up the game I loved for so long. The love and passion came back to me but in a different aspect. I was at the Boys and Girls Club today, speaking to one of the directors. He asked me if I would want to coach a girls team, at one of the clubs. At first I wasn't so sure then it hit me, that I can still be a part of the game I loved so much, but in a different aspect. Someone is giving me a chance to give back and help girls, like so many people did for me when I was younger. I am so excited for this opportunity!!!

I was listening to the craziest thing on the radio today. There is a rumor going around that a basketball league is going to be created for white people only, because so many feel that the NBA is dominated by the African American race. Is this even possible in the country we live in today? I found this information so shocking and so wrong, that i didn't know if it was true or false. Has anyone else heard this? It caught my attention since basketball has been a part of my life through college where I played Division 1.

Take a deep breath and breathe. Today has been a difficult day for me, completely overwhelmed by everything life is throwing at me. I keep telling myself that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I need to understand their is no such thing as perfect. I am going to keep doing the best I can with it all. I wish I could just turn off my phone and shut the world out from me. I can't do that though... I wish but no.. I am trying to organize hoping that will make me feel better. I wish i could just roll up on my bed and read my book, Have a Little Faith, but their is work to be done. Plus I know that valentine's day shouldn't bother me that its coming, but it just keeps reminding me and opening wounds when ever someone brings it up. I know its not a big deal to them, but there is a little part of me still hurting that know one will ever understand. I have tucked it deep within me. Yet my love is haunting me like a death, that I wish would dissapear forever, and give me the pieces back they have taken. So for now I keep telling myself.. I AM A STRONG GIRL THAT CAN GET THROUGH ANYTHING!

Spent the weekend with my little brother. We had so much fun together. When he left today,I realized how important it is to have a good relationship with a sibling. They are the one person you should be able to count on in your life. I really value his opinion, and I feel like I can talk to him about anything . I value our relationship more after this weekend.

I realized that life is not perfect this weekend. I am the type of person where I strive for everything to be perfect, but that is impossible. Eventually you break down and realize that you have to roll with life. I have been so frustrated with myself lately, that I finally broke down to my mom last night. The thing that is the hardest for me is dwelling on the past. I let people and events that happened in my past still affect me today. It is so hard. I would give up anything to not be haunted by these things, but each day they are still there in the back of my mind. I ask myself how can one person affect my life so much. I hate it and get frustrated by it. I understand that life is not easy, every day. I wish i just had a magic eraser to delete these things.

I won't let myself end where I started. I won't let myself finish where I begin.

Today I was looking through magazines, and realized how they really effect the way we as young women see ourselves. We wonder why our society is so messed up. We live where we are constantly striving for perfection. It drives me crazy. Some days I wish that I could just shut the world out, and didn't have any sources of influence. I wish that I didn't care about the way I looked, the crazy idea to be skinny in order to be happy, dealing with product lust, and struggling with relationships. I feel the media has such a hold on us. I want to rid myself of that. I want to be simply happy with being twenty one, and who I am in my own skin.