Life Changes

I just found out my friend has four weeks to live. He is 22 years old. We met when I played basketball in Utah. He was a healthy young guy two years ago, until one day he had a seizure and they discovered a brain tumor. He was just told he can have another surgery to live maybe another two months. He has given up hope, and said no. He has four weeks left to live his life. I can barely type this right now, but I am in shock. I can not even begin to explain how horrible of a feeling this is, knowing that he will be gone before my semester ends. I can't even begin to think about my own problems right now, nothing even compares. I can't type anymore, because tears are starting to hit the keyboard.

Can't sleep. Heart beating out of my chest. Butterflies in my stomach. I haven't had this feeling in months. I must say it feels good to have a little crush on someone, maybe two. I feel like I have been trapped so long in worn out feelings. Feelings that have been holding me back to realize that there are so many great people out there. I have learned that patience is a virtue, and that everything really does happen for a reason, you just have to believe that. I have learned to tuck my past and my pain deep inside of me, yes a piece of my heart is missing, but at the same time that piece has helped me grow as a person.

Thursday night in class, I watched the most disturbing PSA dealing with sex trafficking. It really bothered me. I could barely watch it. My teacher went around and asked what we thought about it. I started tearing up, because it instantly brought back nightmares. It was a horrible feeling, I almost left the class for the night. My teacher saw nothing wrong with showing something so horrifying. Its almost as if she stared at me and asked my opinion about it, as she saw the hurt and pain in my eyes, but just wanting me to break. I felt as if she was happy she broke me down. It was a terrible feeling. I have been having flashbacks the past couple of days, and am afraid of being alone. I am going to beat the fear still locked in my head.

Count Your Blessings

Today I was delivering pocket schedules around the city for the Yankees,and I got out of my car by one of the stops, and there was this homeless woman, in completely ripped pants, and soleless shoes. The sight of this made me just stop and stare, I know rude. I was just shocked, and hurt for her. How does she make it? I am sitting here stressing how I am going to pay for school, while she can't even pay for her next meal. Everyday I run about 5-8 miles and yesterday while running, I ran by two homless men, and when I went out last night around eleven, the two same men were sitting in the same exact place. Once again, I kinda just zoned out for a minute, and thanked god that I am as fortunate as I am. Anyone that reads this, count your blessings!

Morals

Morals. Does anyone have any today in society? Today my friend comes up to me, and says "Guess What?" I knew right away she had done something stupid. She told me that she slept with this boy, I had originally thought was cute. In my own head, I was like why are you telling me this? It was almost as if she was proud that she just got used. Was she really that stupid not to realize this. How can you be satisfied with , after doing something so low. I wasn't mad at her for stealing my crush, I was happy to know that I would never waste my time on someone that would use another like that. Disappointing, but saved me time.

Grandpa

Spoke to my grandfather today! Normally when I call he hands the phone right to grandma, not really saying to much. He will ask if everything is okay, or if anything is needed, the conversation never really goes into too much depth. He is very protective of me. He is a very busy man, almost 70 years old, but is still running his own business, while managing many properties that he owns throughout Milwaukee.An extremely successful man within the city. Sometimes I think he only feels he can show his love through money. It makes me sad. I always tell him that I don't need anything, just to talk to him. Well today we did. I told him all about my internship, and the new condo,and how I want him to come down with mom and grandma. I love him very much, and it made my day today when we talked for fifteen minutes!

ChAnGeS

It its official I am staying here in Tampa for the summer, excited but a little nervous. This will be my first summer away from home. Spoke to my grandmother last night for a long time about it. She reassured me that this is a great opportunity and the right thing to do. She is going to come down with my mom and auntie in the next couple of weeks to move into a condo that I will be sharing with two other girls. My mom says that everything is falling into place. I feel the same way for a minute, and then the next minute or hour wondering if it really is? I keep telling myself to just roll with it. I only have control over so much. I feel better now that I talked to my family, and they assured me they would be down many times. I just hope this all works out!

Choices

I spoke to my best friend today, out in Utah. We played basketball together. Talking to her made me realize that I made the right decision to move on with my life, in a different direction than basketball. She told me how much she hates playing and how she can't stand it anymore. She is depressed and feels like her life is falling apart, all based on a game. I felt so sorry for her. At the same time it made me appreciate my life right now and the decision that I made, to move forward with different aspects of my life other than basketball.

Spring Break Cruise!

Spring Break was amazing. I went to Labadee Haiti, Cozumel Mexico, Cayman Islands, and Jamaica. Spending 10 days with my family was really enjoyable. We had a lot of fun together. My favorite destination was Haiti. It was beautiful, set in luscious green mountains, with bright blue water. The cruise ship that we went on was the Royal Carribean Freedom of the Seas. The ship had everything from an ice skating rink to a jogging track. The ship was magnificent, holding 4,000passengers. No it is back to reality, getting settled back in at school, and my everyday rountine. Hoping to start internship this week, very excited!

First Day at B & G

Today was my first day at The Boys and Girls Club. I worked with four fourth grade girls. They felt so much older than fourth graders when they talked to me. They were very open about everything. I was so surprised about some of the things they talked about. For instance their life in the projects. I felt so sad for them. I could tell they were yearning for someone to talk to, someone to care. It hurt my heart when they told me that they had to eat there at the club, because their mom or dad didn't pack them a lunch. The club not only fed them, but picked them up from school, and dropped them off at home every night at 6. I want to help these girls so much. I feel like me just being there made a difference.

Day by Day

Completely confused. worried. scared. nervous.stressed. This is how I feel all wrapped into one package. There is about two months of school left, and I still have not figured out what internship to take, what summer classes to take, if I want to go home... I just don't know. I met with my advisor today and found out that I need 55 credits to graduate. So basically I will have to do an extra semester of school somewhere along the line if I want to keep my sport management minor. If I don't keep it I can graduate on time next May. I feel like I should stick with my plan I made originally by getting my minor. Its so frustrating, because money does not grow on trees. I am trying to get off my parents payments, and take care of myself. I am finding that to be very difficult. They are more than happy to help me, but for my own self I want to be able to do it. I am a little nervous to stay for the summer, because there are a lot of unknowns.. I have lived in four different cities and three different states the past three years, but I always went home for summer break. Part of me wants to stay, but part of me wants to be near my family, especially my grandmother. I guess I will just have to live one day at a time. Everything will work itself out. I keep telling myself that.